...of charm and strange: the blog

Laura: Do you realize that when you get old, you have absolutely no privacy anymore? I mean, if you're one of those old people that needs to be helped across the street, or requires a full-time nurse or something.

Eric: Yeah, can they even shower by themselves? I can not imagine being a wrinkled sack of oldness and being okay with someone washing me. Like I'm a vintage car or some shit.

Laura: Your anus won't even be your own. A doctor will have to put his finger in it every once in a while to feel for prostate cancer.

Eric: That sounds so cinematic: "HIS ANUS WASN'T HIS OWN! HIS ANUS WAS FROM ANOTHER PLANET!"

Laura: At least you can do the testicle examination thing yourself.

Eric: When are you supposed to start doing that, anyway?

Laura: Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to start anytime soon. You, I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed to check my breasts for lumps every month.

Eric: I don't even know what a lump in my testicle would feel like.

Laura: How could you not know? Don't you know what your testicles feel like without lumps?

Eric: How would I?

Laura: Don't you feel your testicles all the time?

Eric: Why would I feel my own testicles?

Laura: Well, why would I feel my own breasts?

Eric: I don't know, because you're a big old pervert?

Laura: At the dorms, they had signs all over the girls showers telling you to feel your breasts for lumps once a month. They had diagrams and shit explaining exactly how to do it, like any girl doesn't know how to feel her own breasts.

Eric: You obviously lived in the Porn Star wing of the dormitories, you saucy tramp.

Laura: For your information, people besides porn stars know what their breasts feel like. Do you really not know what your testicles feel like?

Eric: No, but I know Luke's testicles inside and out.

Laura: Oh, you really can't say that sentence to me ever again.

Eric: No, really. I don't know my own testicles, I know Luke's. I mean, I would be able to tell for sure if Luke had a lump in his testicle.

Laura: And only he would be able to tell if you had one?

Eric: Exactly.

Laura: You can never not be in a relationship. It is life-threatening for you to be single.

Eric: Well, that's what I said. But now I have a good reason.

Laura: If you wanted to, you could use this as your final defense for saving this relationship.

Eric: "If we break up, I'll never know if I get balls cancer."

Laura: "Do you really want that hanging over your head, you murderer?"

Eric: "That's what I--"

Laura: Wait, stop. "Balls cancer"?

Eric: What?

Laura: Ew.

Eric: Oh, sorry. We can't all be doctors.

Laura: You better watch it. I might put my finger in your ass.

Eric: EW!

Laura: Sorry.