...of charm and strange: the blog

Part of preparing to reinhabit my old bedroom at my parents house was the business of getting rid of most of the stuff that was already in it. Most of it was other people's crap that had accumulated in there. There was also a lot of ugly lamps and vases filled with plastic flowers that my mother had apparently felt quite free to cover every flat surface in the room with.

While digging through all my old stuff, I found the mountains of binders in which I had saved every scrap of homework, notes, tests, etc. from 7th-12th grade. They were diligently sorted by year, subject, and date. Why did I do this for six years? Because it didn't make sense to me, after investing so much damn time and effort into it, to simply throw it out. Granted, I still believe that most of that time and effort was wasted, but still. So it all just piled up. Now I suddenly have this incredible collection of time capsules that allow me to look back on myself and my education, which really means that I am now able to fully recognize the stupidity of all the crap we had to do for so long.

Of course, now I've already gone and thrown out 99% of these old papers. I mean, I thought it was pointless and boring when I was actually doing it, so it's not much of a surprise that they're even more pointless and boring several years later. But buried in it all were hidden some truly weird, crazy, and amusing artifacts that allow me to trace the early indicators of this bizarre sense of humor I ended up with. Doodles. Stories. Poems. More doodles. No really, so many doodles. There's some great comedy here, people. Mostly because it wasn't supposed to be at the time.

Grade: 10
Subject: German 1
Description: Dialogue dramatizing a shoe-shopping expedition at the mall. This is the very literal English translation, which we studied in the hopes that it would make it easier to translate in our heads while performing it in front of the class. It didn't work.

Eric: Laura, would you like with me a stroll through the mall make? ["Jesus." -- Eric 2003]

Laura: Yes, that is super! I must new shoes get.

Eric: Nice, I meet you by Nordstrom, by the shoe department.

Laura: Nordstrom has a Birkenstock store?

Eric: Nordstrom shoes are expensive. Find you not?

Laura: Yes, but not so expensive like in the stores at the different mall.

Eric: Good, go we to Nordstrom! Are Birkenstocks comfortable shoes for me?

Laura: And how! I love my shoes. I have 20 pairs bought.

Eric: Which colors need you? There are dark blue, brown, purple, green, beige, and red. Ask we the saleslady, whether you can try on some.

Laura: I must purple and red have! They are wonderful ["I like how our tastes in shoes have been written to be just as stupid as our phrasing." -- Eric 2003]. But the saleslady is ugly. I look for another.

Eric: Which size needs you? Have you big feet or small feet?

Laura: My feet are very big! Small children run from me. I have size 10 to 11. Which size is that of German?

Eric: Size 10 is 41 in Germany ["Is that true, or is that supposed to be a joke?" -- Eric 2003]. Try once a pair on.

Laura: I put the purple pair on! They are too small.