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less charming and more strange than your average blog
November 20, 2003
The Cat In the Hate
Ahh, sweet victory. I would have given up movies altogether if The Cat In the Hat had pulled a "Master and Commander" and gotten stellar reviews despite my brave and tireless crusade against it. Thank goodness I'm not completely wrong about everything this season.
Unfortunately, there is no accounting for the horrendous tastes of the moviegoing public, as demonstrated by the jaw-dropping fact that How the Grinch Stole Christmas was the #1 box office grosser of 2000.
So I saw another trailer for The Cat In the Hat (or it could have been the same one, and I just missed it the first time) and finally saw what everyone was talking about, where his hat booinggg!s up. You know, LIKE A BONER. BECAUSE THERE IS A HUGE FUCKING CAT DICK ON TOP OF HIS HEAD, ERUPTING RIGHT OUT OF HIS SKULL.
Dakota Fanning will become a teenage crackwhore like Drew Barrymore after this because being on the set of this movie must have been the most damaging experience known to man. And she'll still have flashbacks until the day she dies. Jesus, I'm about to turn to drugs just so I can forget I saw that trailer.
The Cat In the Hat turns Dakota Fanning into a teenage crackwhore, y'all. That ain't right. Therefore, don't let this movie become the #1 box office grosser of 2003.
(Also, thanks to Cleolinda for letting me pilfer the title.)
UPDATED: I have just been notified that this film contains a RAVE SCENE. Featuring PARIS HILTON. Jesus Christ, people. Why not take it to the next level, Bo Welch? Why not just splice in footage from her sex tape instead? That would be staying true to the "spirit" of Dr. Seuss, right? I mean, you've gotta keep the parents entertained somehow. Because God forbid anyone make a family film that entertains adults and children alike just by being good.
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Unfortunately, there is no accounting for the horrendous tastes of the moviegoing public, as demonstrated by the jaw-dropping fact that How the Grinch Stole Christmas was the #1 box office grosser of 2000.
So I saw another trailer for The Cat In the Hat (or it could have been the same one, and I just missed it the first time) and finally saw what everyone was talking about, where his hat booinggg!s up. You know, LIKE A BONER. BECAUSE THERE IS A HUGE FUCKING CAT DICK ON TOP OF HIS HEAD, ERUPTING RIGHT OUT OF HIS SKULL.
Dakota Fanning will become a teenage crackwhore like Drew Barrymore after this because being on the set of this movie must have been the most damaging experience known to man. And she'll still have flashbacks until the day she dies. Jesus, I'm about to turn to drugs just so I can forget I saw that trailer.
The Cat In the Hat turns Dakota Fanning into a teenage crackwhore, y'all. That ain't right. Therefore, don't let this movie become the #1 box office grosser of 2003.
(Also, thanks to Cleolinda for letting me pilfer the title.)
UPDATED: I have just been notified that this film contains a RAVE SCENE. Featuring PARIS HILTON. Jesus Christ, people. Why not take it to the next level, Bo Welch? Why not just splice in footage from her sex tape instead? That would be staying true to the "spirit" of Dr. Seuss, right? I mean, you've gotta keep the parents entertained somehow. Because God forbid anyone make a family film that entertains adults and children alike just by being good.
