...of charm and strange: the blog

Survivor makes me cry. Reality television makes me feel like I am at the funeral of all that is good and sacred. Unless it is American Idol or America's Next Top Model. SHUT UP.

In the Shaw Report in this week's Entertainment Weekly, I shit you not, Jessica Shaw actually reports that homonyms are "in," synonyms are "5 minutes ago," and antonyms are "out." That's stupid enough so that I would actually believe that she has lost her mind rather than consider for even a moment that a sane human mind could come up with something so idiotic.

Next week's Shaw Report:

IN: 36; 5 MINUTES AGO: bee blop; OUT: what
IN: LOL; 5 MINUTES AGO: WTF; OUT: OMG
IN: hats; 5 MINUTES AGO: hats; OUT: hats
IN: killing; 5 MINUTES AGO: preparing to kill; OUT: not killing

David: Here, pass me the milkshake.

Eric: It's still pretty cold. You might not be able to get any through the straw yet.

David: I can't wait. I'll cup my hands around it and try to melt it a little.

Eric: La la, la la, laaaaaa...

David: Warm it up!

Eric: Holy shit! That's what she's singing about!

David: Who?

Eric: Kelis! She got a milkshake from Jack in the Box that was too cold, and now she's singing about having to warm it up so it's suckable!

David: Except that Kelis would totally have no problem. It could be solid concrete in that cup and she wouldn't even break a sweat.

Eric: Snerk.

Luke: Oh, that's nice. What, she's good at sucking things just because her song is a little naughty?

David: Considering the song is generally believed to be about giving blowjobs to the entire neighborhood...

Luke: That's terrible!

Eric: I know, right?

Luke: That's not what I meant.

David: Kelis is like one of those snakes who can eat a rat in one bite.

Eric: What? No she's not.

David: She is too! She could probably handle anything.

Eric: We're talking about being able to suck a basketball through a garden hose, not eating the basketball without chewing it first.

Luke: You guys are seriously gross.

David: Yeah, but all I'm saying is...you have to, you know, be able to put big things down your throat, you know, without choking...if you want to be as...talented as Kelis.

Eric: That's not the point. The point is her sucking skills, not her gag reflex. Or lack thereof.

David: But they're related!

Eric: One is relevant and the other isn't.

David: God, I was just trying to make a point.

Eric: Which is?

David: I'm trying to say that Kelis can eat a rat, okay? I mean, if she wants. It's her thing.

Eric: Whatever.

David: Can you believe we solved the mystery of that fucking song?

Eric: We're so awesome.

Luke: Pass me the milkshake.

Looking back on a year's worth of rentals, I'm not sure I honored my mission statement as well as I had hoped when I first signed up for Netflix. What I wanted to do was (1) educate myself on all the great movies I really should have seen by now (using this list as a basic guide), (2) catch up on the overwhelming amount of pop culture I missed out on growing up without media, and (3) take advantage of the currently-exploding TV-on-DVD phenomenon, which is quite possibly the best idea that has ever been thought of. I also just wanted to see the movies I missed in the theaters. There are some stains on my rental history, sure, but I assure you there are good reasons for all of them. Really!

I don't know who it was that coined the famous and brilliant proverb, "He who posts on the internet about how great his life is shall be stricken with strep throat and writer's block." I believe it may have been me, just now. And let me tell you something, I sure am right. Because I haven't felt a shred of creativity since my last entry and it's been a week since my voice went on strike. I've stopped answering the phone because people keep thinking they've reached Suzanne Pleshette by accident. Well, one guy was actually looking for her. He cussed me out for being accessory to Good Morning, Miami and hung up. I suppose I deserved that.

What he said.

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Sorry. It's because I've been busy being so damn happy, y'all! I've also because I've been staying up until 5 AM every night working on my first real live screenplay. Sure, it's probably not very good, and it will probably never get made, and it probably isn't funny to anyone but me, but it's real. And I'm learning. And it's FUN. At the end, I'll have something that I wrote. That will never cease to thrill me.