less charming and more strange than your average blog

March 31, 2004

So you want to be a showgirl 

I'm positively shedding my clothes left and right in excitement for the new special edition of Showgirls they're putting out. I feel like I should just get a copy of this box set free for being a one-man promotional campaign for this film for years.

According to this description, the special features will include "a commentary track with by Showgirls expert David Schmader, a video commentary by the girls of Scores for the 'Cheetah Club' scene, a trivia subtitle track, lap-dance tutorials from the Scores girls, a storyboard-to-film comparison, trailers and more. The box set also will contain a myriad of themed goodies, including: a 'Pin the Pasties on the Showgirl' adult party game (with blindfold, pasties and semi-nude poster of star Elizabeth Berkley), 'Sip or Strip,' 'Showgirls A-Z,' 'Bad Tipper' and 'Champagne Room' games, two shot glasses, a deck of racy Showgirls playing cards and character trading cards."

Some people ask to be excused from my vicinity when I try to explain my affinity for the glory that is Showgirls. These people are usually referred to as "sane." To these freaks, I declare, "THIS BOX SET LOOKS BETTER THAN A TEN-INCH DICK AND YOU KNOW IT!"

I don't buy it for a minute 

J to tha Lo is trying to show the world for the gazillionth time that she is "real" by leaving Los Angeles and getting slimed on Nickelodeon or something. Yeah, and I believe that Tara Reid was also trying to convince her fans that she was "real" by quitting the movies and taking up getting trashed full-time. To further cement her status as "down-to-earth," Jenny from the Block will be appearing on Will & Grace and the cover of In Style -- but not Vogue! Because she hasn't forgotten where she came from! I love her perverted idea of "real." She's like, "Why should I appear on the cover of Vogue when the peasants are relegated to the mere cover of In Style? I'll teach them not to be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'll appear on the cover of that blue-collar rag. I'll show those filthy commoners that I am one of them."

An ominous post 

I haven't yet decided how to handle the Scotland blog while I'm still in America, but I updated it today because I turned in my confirmation statement and received a ominous packet in return. In retrospect, it wasn't really ominous at all, but I didn't know what was inside and if it's wrong to find that thrilling then I don't want to be right.

Also, I must point you in the direction of Jenny's amazing blog documenting her experience studying abroad in Poland for a year. If I am half as diligent and articulate at blogging my year in Scotland, I will be happy.

March 29, 2004

Why I shouldn't be allowed out 

Before taking off for Vancouver, I was at the bank depositing some cash, which included a bunch of stiff, brand new $1 dollar bills. Like, REALLY new. They hadn't even been folded or bent yet. (No, the fact that I go to the bank to deposit $1 bills is not the funny part.) So I go up to the teller, with the same small talk anxiety I always get in situations like these. This is what happens:

Teller: How are you today?

Eric: Fine, thanks.

Teller: [counting money] New dollar bills, huh?

Eric: Yeah. They're pretty weird.

Teller: They sure are hard to count!

Eric: I'm always afraid to use them because I'm afraid that people will think they're counterfeit and call the police on me.

Teller: [nervous laughter]

Eric: In retrospect, not a bank joke.

Teller: [hastily finishes my transaction] Can I help whoever is next in line?


It's the first day of the quarter, and it has occurred to me that this very well may be the last time I do this here at UW. Even if I still have to top off my credits in order to graduate when I get back from the UK, it's unlikely that I'll ever be a full-time student here again. The thought seems like it should be giving me butterflies in my stomach, but it doesn't, and I'm not sure if that's because I can't wrap my head around the idea or if I'm just very ready to do something different in my life.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from new and exciting directions in which to take one's life, I spent the remainder of spring break holed up in my house assembling a 1500-piece jigsaw puzzle of this painting. It has come to my attention that I undergo a rapid behavioral shift when doing jigsaw puzzles. "Eric's mean when he does puzzles," complained Luke. Tough, blondie. I have a woman with no head in the lower left hand corner and it ain't gonna find itself. Oops, maybe that's what he's talking about.

March 27, 2004

Instead of writing about our trip to Vancouver, I present you with Marianne's artistic representation of it.

March 26, 2004

Yes, there is something is more disturbing than Nun-Clown 

I'm sickened by the trailer for the new Wayans brothers movie. Here's why!

March 24, 2004

A Christmas story 

Er, this is one of those "I offer no explanation" kind of entries. Except that it's based on something that happened to us in Vancouver. Sort of. A little. Not really. I also have no idea what I'm doing writing a Christmas story in March.

March 23, 2004

Back from the 'Couver 

And while I was away, Linda G posted my review of the lovely Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

March 18, 2004


UPDATED: Moved this post to the website.

March 14, 2004

In case y'all were wondering 

If you type in "baby" at Thesaurus.com, one of the synonyms it comes up with is "tax write-off."

Can you imagine doing a "find and replace" in your life with that?

March 13, 2004

If you'll permit me to be Seinfeld for a moment 

What's up with all the hiking boots looking like aqua socks now? Today I tried to replace my old hiking boots that are falling apart, and I ended up just having my old ones repaired because all anybody could offer me were these fugly sneaker/boot hybrid things. Hiking boots are not supposed to be curvy. They are not supposed to have their own color schemes. Just...no.

Even REI couldn't help me. Where are the real boots at, yo? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT?

March 12, 2004

No, not the one from T2 

Oh my god! Sarah Connor has hit American MTV! Sarah Connor was an appallingly-untalented-yet-entertaining German pop star whose big single when I visited in 2001 was a little ditty entitled, "Let's Get Back to Bed, Boy!"

I must have seen that music video a million times. Here's how it goes: Sarah and some rapper guy meet at a party and immediately head for the bedroom to have sex for the rest of the video. "Monday until Sunday, we take for the foreplay," she sings. Yes, the lyrics are that good. The hot, champagned-drenched sex is occasionally intercut with flying calendar pages and shots of a maid standing around looking irritated because she keeps on bringing them room service and they don't answer the door. Because they're doing the nasty, don't forget. At the end of the video, after what have apparently been years of sex, Sarah Connor and her rapper guy finally leave the house, only to find that Terminators have taken the planet after initiating a nuclear holocaust. No wait, that's the other Sarah Connor again. Actually, they just run back inside to have more sex, because I guess she won't be satisfied until her entire body has been worn down to the size of a button.

From her MTV bio: "German native Sarah Connor admits that there are three 'S's which dominate her life -- soul, sex, and sensuality." That so totally sums her up. Get ready, America. Get ready for the suck that is Sarah Connor.

And I only bought her album because the exchange rate was so favorable. Shut up.

March 11, 2004


About Eric...again 

Finally, a brand new version of the "about" page, with updated FAQ, chock full of new questions that NOBODY HAS EVER ASKED ME.

Still, new!

March 08, 2004

The rules of attraction 

In which I take an online quiz that is supposed to determine what type of man I find physically attractive, and discover that picking out men I would sleep with from a lineup is a lot less fun when they don't look like movie stars.

March 06, 2004

I still hate you 

I was thinking about what I wrote about those Cold Stone people the other day and it made me a little sad. People today don't even have time to let people sing to them. I mean, sure, it's "Heigh-Ho" and they're banging their paddles on the counter like a bunch of retarded seals, but presumably their motivation is to brighten your day a little bit. (Disregarding for a moment that their boss will give them the electric chair if they don't go through with it.)

I was going to write a very insightful commentary on how sad it is that we're all jaded and don't even have to time for other people's kindness anymore and that there's no more magic in the world, but I still think the Stepford Employees at Cold Stone can bite me, so never mind.

March 04, 2004

I might hate you if... 

...you work at Cold Stone.

The fact of the matter is, it's just wrong for people to be that cheerful. It's a brand of cheerfulness that is usually accompanied by a cross-dressing serial killer alter ego, and I'm threatened by that. Sometimes, a man just wants some fucking ice cream with a frown. I don't need your freaky enthusiasm and sunny, "Welcome to Cold Stone! Have you been to Cold Stone before?" I've been here enough times to know that you're a menace to society, lady.

Some people may wonder why I go to Cold Stone in the first place if their employees make me want to drown kittens in lava. These people are probably not aware that Cold Stone has the best ice cream in the universe. So it's obvious that there is no way around dealing with these people.

They also have the distressing tendency to halt business as usual and break into song at random intervals, banging their paddles on the counter to provide a uniquely painful percussional accompaniment.

David: Oh shit, they're doing it again. [listens] Are they singing "Heigh-Ho"? Can they do that?

Eric: I can't believe they have to do this. Do you think this part of the job description?

David: My friend used to work at Cold Stone and she said they're forced to do it, like there's a member of the Gestapo in the back that makes sure they're into it or else they're fired.

Eric: Jesus.

David: I wish they were singing "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.

Eric: Heh. I have to get out of here.

David: No, stay! You have to help me say no when they ask if I want any mix-ins.

Eric: You can't say no yourself?

David: They're like crack dealers, yo. Very chipper crack dealers.

Eric: You have to be assertive. Here, try asking me if I want any mix-ins.

David: "Would you care for any mix-ins?"

Eric: "Try mixing your face in my ass."

David: But that's not even saying no.

Eric: Yeah, well.

March 03, 2004

This is a joke, right? 

So, let me get this straight: she read in a tabloid that she was pregnant...and had to take a test to make sure it wasn't true? Like, she thought the tabloid knew better than her? She had to either believe that (a) someone else found out that she was pregnant before she did, or (b) she herself had leaked this information without her own knowledge. Isn't it kind of hard to be taken in by rumors WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT YOU?

Can you imagine if a tabloid reported that she was dead or something? "Omigod! Nick, we have to go to the cemetery and make sure I'm not really dead. Because if I am, that's, like, a really big deal for our relationship."

March 02, 2004

2004 Oscar reactions 

There's not much to say this year, as everything went according to everyone's predictions. Charlize, Sean, Tim, Renee, and a whole lot of Lord of the Rings. Fortunately, they all deserved it, so while it was not exactly a thrilling evening, it was a pleasing one. Sometimes, it's nice not to be pissed off the next day that Russell Crowe won another Oscar he didn't deserve.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?