...of charm and strange: the blog

David: I had this dream that we ate cat.

Eric: Cat?

David: We were sitting around and one of us said, "What if instead of chicken strips, we had cat strips?" So we did and I think we liked it.

[silence]

Eric: I hate you.

I hate it when directors or writers or stars do DVD commentaries for their movies and don't acknowledge the public and critical reception of their film after the fact, especially when the movie is terrible. If you couldn't entertain me with your shitty movie, couldn't you at least entertain me by taking the time to record a commentary track talking about why your movie sucked and what you would have done differently? Or how much it stung to see the film fail? Don't you at least owe me those laughs?

I rented Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood last year because I had just read the book and out of curiosity was willing to watch whatever adaptation Hollywood had come up with. And of course the movie was a mess, but I occasionally saw tiny glimmers of greatness buried in there. Like if a dog ate a pile of diamonds and pooped them out, except that now the diamonds are all hidden in the poop and you have to dig through it to find them. I think you know what I mean.

My point, I think, is that Ashley Judd's commentary illuminated absolutely nothing about the production due to the fact that she lives in a parallel universe in which Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood is a good movie. She remarks in wonder, "People are always coming up to me on the street and thanking me for making this movie," a statement I imagine can only be true if by "thanking me" she means "throwing hot coffee in my face."

Rock on, Uma. Don't miss the thumbnails at the bottom for other Kill Bill -- Vol. 2 posters. (Now I'm addressing you, not Uma Thurman.) (Although she's perfectly free to check them out as well.) (Please don't come to my home and cut me in half, Uma Thurman.)

Hilatron nicely sums up my outlook on food:

"I am fairly certain that two of my limbs could spontaneously detach while I was sitting in a burning building breaking up with Josh during an earthquake the day after my cat died, and the foremost priority in my mind would be what I might make for dinner, and how soon I could justifiably get that going."

If the donut fiesta that has been my life for the last four days isn't proof enough of a food fixation of alarming proportions, consider the fact that even as I enjoy any given meal, I am simultaneously fantasizing about what I plan to eat for the next one. Going to bed every night makes me sad because I'm done eating for the day, but then it makes me happy because I'll get to eat again when I wake up.

I'm going to pay for this attitude big time when I surpass that age beyond which you can no longer eat whatever you want without gaining weight.

Only two things of interest have happened to me in the last week. I believe they may be related. The first thing is that I haven't been sleeping very well. The second is that three days ago, 68 Krispy Kreme donuts appeared in my refrigerator. SIXTY-EIGHT. Yeah, I know. And 12 of them are in my digestive system riiiiiiiiiiight noooooooow. I have the biggest stomach ache and it hasn't gone away since Monday. And I keep going back for more. Because if I don't at least make an effort to eat them all, they're going to get thrown away and that's just COLD-BLOODED MURDER.

(FYI, the donuts were in fact not a gift from god as I had initially suspected. It turned out that Krispy Kreme had donated a billion donuts to the Filipino Community Center for an event and there were about a million of them leftover and my mom got stuck with a bunch of them. And the rest is fucking history.)

Can an overconsumption of donuts result in insomnia, and then nightmares? Because I feel like I haven't slept in days. I try going to bed at a reasonable hour and then I toss and turn until the wee hours of the morning before finally dozing off, only to awaken three or four hours too early and feeling like someone had beaten the crap out of me the night before. Can donuts make you sleepwalk to the bad part of town and then piss off a bunch of gang members?

I have nightmares about people I love being really mean to me. Do y'all have dreams like this? Do you have to remind yourself not to hold people accountable for the things they didn't do anywhere but in your unconscious? Why is every sentence in this post a question? Am I going crazy? Have I mentioned that I haven't gotten much sleep lately? I need a fucking donut. Get out of my way.

Contrary to the evidence, I have in fact not dropped off the face of the planet. But I am spending a lot of time reading Wuthering Heights and stressing out about a certain interview.

"The same sweltering morning that Beatriz Viterbo died, after an imperious confrontation with her illness in which she had never for an instant stooped to either sentimentality or fear, I noticed that a new advertisement for some cigarettes or other (blondes, I believe they were) had been posted on the iron billboards of the Plaza Constitucion; the fact deeply grieved me, for I realized that the vast unceasing universe was already growing away from her, and that this change was but the first in an infinite series."

This is the first sentence from the short story The Aleph by Jorge Luis Borges, which I read for my comparative literature class last week. I'm posting for no other reason than because I think it's a stunning opening sentence and I've been thinking about it ever since I read it.

The end.

Ninja turtles 4-ever

Someone's response:

FUCK YOU

1. Celebrities that like to stare at pretty women dancing by themselves
2. girls spying on their German teacher
3. ripley cow legs
4. shoe size 10 big feet for a girl wow
5. supermodels taking a dump
6. websites to see boobs for free that don't blur out the boobs
7. charlize theron's saggy body
8. scarlett johansson's ass
9. evan rachel wood's address
10. alien resurrection lesbian

First I love the Matrix movies, now I confess that I am a whore for the Charlie's Angels movies. Will you people ever forgive me?

UPDATED: Cleolinda reminds me that Valentine's Day is not as much bullshit as I declared. But it is a little, because most of the time it seems to glorify romantic love and take a dump on everyone else.

From Roger Ebert's review of 50 First Dates:

"[Adam Sandler] reveals the warm side of his personality, and leaves behind the hostility, anger and gross-out humor. To be sure, there's projectile vomiting on a vast scale in an opening scene of the movie, but it's performed by a walrus...and the walrus feels a lot better afterward."

The most horrifying thing ever.

Also notice that Charlize Theron's item is simply titled, "Actress with opinions." Because that just by itself is explosive enough to be a headline. Jesus. I'm surprised the article didn't go something like this:

Actress with opinions
Charlize Theron has opinions. We'll let that sink in before we tell you what they are.

(Thanks for Cleolinda for the link.)

Generate a map of America denoting all the states you've visited, or a map of the world denoting all the countries you've visited. I've been to pretty much every state on either side of the country, but there's a huge void in the middle in which I'll probably never set foot unless I'm Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats and get dumped on national television and have to go back to small-town America where I came from to find myself.

This site has also brought to my attention that I've only been to eight countries. That's sad, right? I mean, considering that we're counting America, which is just stupid; Canada, even though it's only two hours away; and Japan and England, even though I only spent a few hours there on a layover. That leaves Germany, Sweden, the Netherlands, and the Philippines.

With any luck, I'll be able to add Scotland to that list in seven months. Last week I turned in my application to study abroad, and my interview is scheduled for tomorrow. Can this really be happening? Will I be someone who lived in another country for a year?

Did you miss me, Trailer Park? Or will I be run out of town because I've neglected you for so long?

Watch the trailer for Good Bye, Lenin!. And briefly consider watching the trailer for Connie & Carla.

"American Pie star Jason Biggs had the plane flight from hell on Friday when the American Airlines pilot flying him to New York turned to God. The unnamed pilot started the flight by announcing he had just returned from Central America, where he had become a fervent Christian. He then asked Christian passengers to raise their hands and criticized everyone else..."

Is this really news? That someone still feels a certain way about something that happened 25 years ago? Or did something Caligula-related happen to spark this?

Future headlines are sure to include:
Nicole Kidman Is Still Sad When She Thinks About Her Divorce
Francis Ford Coppola Is Still Proud of the Godfather Movies
It's Still True That Janet Jackson's Breast Was Exposed Last Sunday

Of course, this is a news source that includes an item with the headline, Paltrow: The Press Are Inhumane. (Actual quote: "Gwyneth Paltrow has attacked the press for relentlessly hounding her, labeling the paparazzi inhumane and 'bad.'") That a trashy celebrity gossip column is reporting this is not unlike if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez made a big documentary about how everyone in the whole world including their parents are sick of them and never want to hear about them again.

Amen.

On the news this morning, a woman interviewed some guy from TV Guide about the recent Janet-Jackson-breast-showing-at-the-Superbowl-oh-my-god! incident. She said, "It's no longer a question of taste, it's a question of morality." And I think that's wrong.

It's not that I'm so thrilled that Janet's stupid breast made a cameo in her stupid performance with stupid Justin Timberlake. I'm not jumping for joy that attached to said breast was a nipple shield that could theoretically have been used by King Arthur to defend himself against dragons. I just don't understand how we got from "gross" to "immoral." Rape is immoral. Theft is immoral. Mariah Carey is immoral. Janet Jackson's breast all by itself isn't immoral, not just sitting there. It wasn't robbing a bank, people. It wasn't pushing over old ladies. While it is entirely possible that these are recreational activities highly enjoyed by Janet Jackson's breast, we can't just make those assumptions, can we?

Last week, "Janet Jackson's breast" became the most searched-for phrase in internet history. The other top contenders were "Madonna and Britney kiss" and...wait for it..."September 11." Janet's tit, Madonna and Britney making out, and the most horrific act of terrorism in American history. This is so bad it's funny.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't think a breast is a question of morality. It's a breast. Most people are quite fond of them. The way Janet did it was tasteless and revolting, but so was the rest of her performance. And so is most of what I see on TV, so instead of freaking the fuck out, I just don't watch very much of it unless it involves the words "Jennifer" and "Garner."

On the news, the guy from TV Guide said that this incident could mean "the end of live television." Whatever. We fear the shockwave of societal ramifications of Janet Jackson's right breast, but the rest of TV is nothing but a mishmash of violence and reality TV and nobody from TV Guide cares about that. I bet Janet Jackson's breast had no idea it wielded so much power over humankind. Last week, it showed itself on televison. Maybe next week it will forge a ring of power to ENSLAVE THE HUMAN RACE AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Yes! It's so crazy right now! Most incredibly! It's ya girl, B! It's ya boy, young! You ready? Let's do this.

...because it's IMPOSSIBLE FOR IT TO SET.

"Mina, Van Helsing and the rest of their crew boldly board the abandoned ship, hoping to recover any valuable freight left onboard. But as they explore its cold, empty passageways, they become aware of a terrible secret. First, Mina uncovers Demeter’s mysterious cargo –- 50 long, black coffins..."

I love that. Like, "Mina's first clue was..." Is there any "second" about it? They're 50 LONG, BLACK COFFINS. Have we learned nothing, Mina?

And Britney Spears may be the next Bond girl. From the blurb:

"The singer has said she will spend the next couple of years concentrating on her acting career, following the muted response to her comeback album In The Zone."

My favorite part of this is how Britney purported to be concentrating on her "music" "career" after the muted response to her acting debut in Crossroads. Also, kill me.

Beyonce may play Lois Lane in the new Superman movie. From the blurb:

"A studio source says, 'Beyonce is perfect to play Lois. She's feisty and sexy.'"

Because the character of Lois Lane has always been defined by her "feistiness" and "sexiness." That statement may actually be too stupid to make fun of. Just laugh through your horror like I did.

Linda G submitted my review of The Good Old Naughty Days to Nunsploitation.net, a domain which is equal parts intriguing and appalling. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just that the first image that popped into my head when I read the word "nunsploitation" was Sister Foxy Brown strangling a drug dealer with a rosary with one hand, and pulling a gun out of her habit to gun down a couple of child pornographers with the other. That's about where "appalling" ends and "intriguing" begins.